I’ve let them sit there for months because I thought that if someone really wanted to know, they’d ask me as themselves. After hearing about what other people have surmised as the reasons to my absence, I feel that not answering has only caused more confusion. So here it is.

When my senior year began, I earned a steady position at work instead of an on-call one. At first, they had me closing on Friday nights so I started missing a few nights but I tried to make it up on Sundays. I didn’t have much of a choice because I was the only part-time worker in Lingerie at the time because the other two had recently quit. After a while, I spoke with my manager and asked for Fridays off to attend church. She gladly approved my request and I was able to go to church again. In October, my baby sister was born and my mother asked me to stay home frequently to babysit. Because I had already asked for Fridays off, it became mandatory for me to work on Sundays so I couldn’t go to service on Sundays either. I was going to church every other Friday pretty much. With my baby sister’s birth, my mom wanted me home right away from school and didn’t want me going out as much. I obeyed because I believed that’s what God wanted from me. It was the start of a new season, and though it was rocky, I needed to fulfill my duties at home before anything else. Though I wasn’t as ideally consistent in Victory Club and church, I felt that I was on point in the season God had placed me in Then… in December, my grandpa died. I never like to say he passed away. Passing away makes it seem like he left in a peaceful, undisturbed, or expected away. It wasn’t. He was at work, working in the field at Aloun Farm, when a driver reversed into him with a truck. After reversing into him, he realized he had hit something and drove forward, running over him again. TRUST ME, I ALWAYS BELIEVED I WOULD NEVER FALTER. I always read about how Judas betrayed and sold Jesus for so little, how Peter denied Jesus in front of the crowd, and how Jonah tried to escape when God asked him to stand strong in his mission. I always noted to myself: I will never fall away from Jesus. Never betray him. Never deny him. I will stand strong even if my world comes crumbling down. I was wrong. I was just like Judas, Peter, and Jonah. I failed the test that I had been preparing and building myself up for since coming to know Jesus. Nothing had ever hit me so hard as to when my grandpa died. Maybe it was how he died. Or maybe it was how I had gotten home late the night before, saw him, and I didn’t even say hi. Or maybe it was how I woke up at four in the morning, heard his voice outside with his friends, and didn’t get up to tell him to have a good day at work. For a long time, I was mad at God. I was mad at myself. A lot of other stuff happened after and in between those events, but my grandfather’s untimely death had the greatest toll on me. Though I know I failed the test of faithfulness back then, God has used this time to shift my views and teach me new things that I can use to edify and encourage other people. By stepping out of the limelight, I’ve learned what it feels like to be from the outside looking in. Though the intention was to harm me, God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. (Genesis 50:20)